The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize