He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
