Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
