Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
