wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
