$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
