U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
