I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
