No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
