I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
