Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
