Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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