So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she looked like the before picture.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize