currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
