sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
