dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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