In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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