Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
