I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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