I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
