What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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