so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
