last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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