I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
