i think my mom watched the whole time
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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