This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
