I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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