She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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