I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
