I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
