I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize