I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
