He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
