you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize