he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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