Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
