i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
