The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
