I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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