Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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