I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
