My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
