So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
