I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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