So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize