okay pat passed out under dana's car
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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