Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
