I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
