Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
