I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
