I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
