I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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