If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
