I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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