So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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