Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
