Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
