So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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