My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
