my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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