I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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