is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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